I Don't Know.
I don’t know how to tell my White friends how I’m feeling this week…
I don’t know how to explain how having cops around has never made me feel safer, but rather, more likely to die that day.
That I worry that I will be shot for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
4:27 pm • 19 August 2014 • 5,188 notes
this pleases me aesthetically
i do this by accident all the time
(Source: 99percentinvisible, via t-ssk)
6:45 pm • 8 June 2014 • 119,655 notes
in the library bein angsty listening to the righteous brothers nvm if I have an exam in 3 days
"now there’s no welcome look in your eyes when i reach for you, and you’ve started to criticise little things i do. it makes me just feel like crying, because baby, something in you is dying."
9:53 am • 20 May 2014
Imagine if you were on a football team who had lost every game so far, but you had one big game coming up which could save you the season. Imagine if I asked if I could play for your team during that game, despite the fact that I’ve never played football before, I don’t have any kit and I don’t even know what it feels like to play a football game, despite the fact I’ve watched a lot from the sidelines before. You would probably feel really dubious about letting me play, since I have no experience and risk fucking things up for you even further. But, I try and try to convince you to let me play and eventually you give in, thinking “okay. She’s watched a lot of games. Maybe she could be exactly what we need to win”.
Then, on the day of the game I turn up in golf clothes, and proceed to hit the football around the pitch with my golf clubs and by half time, the team is losing really badly - even worse than normal, because some berk is running around the pitch with a golf club smacking balls willy nilly and causing general havoc. Naturally, you tell me to get off the pitch. When I ask why, you say “look, we trusted you and thought you understood the game, but you obviously don’t. We are losing even more than we usually do because you keep smacking the ball away with your golf club! Please go and learn a bit more about the rules of the game and then maybe you can play for us next time.”
I would not reply to this by saying “BUT I WAS ONLY TRYING TO HELP” or “MY INTENTIONS WERE GOOD” or “YOURE DENYING MY RIGHTS TO PLAY”. I would think, yeah, fair enough, and if I was at all serious about the team winning I would happily take a step back and let them carry on playing in a way that was more likely to win them the game. And I would take it upon myself to get classes if I wanted to join in directly again, instead of assuming they’ll all teach me how to play in the middle of the game.
AND THAT IS MY CAREFULLY CRAFTED ANALOGY ABOUT A MANS ROLE IN FEMINISM
7:51 am • 23 April 2014 • 4 notes
how to decode a person with an anxiety disorder
things we are trying to do all the time:
- be safe
things we can’t help but do all the time:
- second-guess ourselves
- behave impulsively and reactively
- take everything personally
- have difficulty accepting compliments
- have difficulty…
5:20 am • 6 April 2014 • 46,288 notes
just looked at even more old posts and came across myself saying “is it comforting that my life is moving in circles, or is it depressing?” ho ho ho
5:17 am • 26 March 2014 • 1 note
reading my old tumblr posts is weird because it makes me realise ive literally always had the same problems, just under different circumstances, and what’s more is that my responses to those problems have also always been the same ie be sad > be drunk and irresponsible > be happy and irresponsible > be happy and get life back on track > get bored with being sensible > be sad > repeat
my question is this: is it comforting to know your life goes round in circles because part of that circle is being happy? or is it depressing that things never really change? hmmmm
also if anyone has issue with a 21yo woman venting her feelings on tumblr do one
7:01 pm • 25 March 2014 • 2 notes
tumblr is such a weird concept
anyway hello, yes, here I am! great! lovely!
what I want to write about is a topic which has been bothering me loads recently (for some reason i VERY RARELY find using a public forum a bit more freeing than cramming it into another corner of my private sections). sorry if it bothers anyone loads.
ok. i have been sad pretty much constantly since I was about 10. and when I say sad obviously I don’t actually mean sad, because using the word ‘sad’ in place of my actual mental illness(es) is probably one of the most idiotic things I do (sadness and depression or anxiety or PTSD are not even close to being synonymous and I of all people am well aware of that) but it’s just far less hassle to say that im sad instead of saying that i feel really mentally unwell. anyway hopefully at some point all stigmas about mental illness will evaporate and maybe then I’ll finally become good at explaining how I’m feeling but as it stands it’s really just too bloody daunting to go on about it okay.
but the plot thickens. I’ve also been actually sad (in its proper meaning) about literally loads of stuff too - while sadness and mental illness are not synonymous they are also, obviously, not mutually exclusive things. people have been real dicks to me and shit stuff has happened to me alarmingly often. so I’ve been sad about that.
here is the crux of what ive been thinking recently, so pay attention. in my case, I think they probably were, but the bad things that happen to people ARE NOT NECESSARILY THE CAUSE of their mental illnesses. you know, people never ask you why you got cancer. like obviously there are things which heighten your chances of getting it but NO ONE, except your doctor during your diagnosis or maybe like your closest closest friends, would EVER say “so tell me, do you smoke? drink? eat fatty foods? use sunbeds?” after you told them you had cancer. people just say “oh god, that’s awful, a speedy recovery to you sir!” and that’s it. there’s no underlying public assumption that somebody, somewhere did something wrong and caused the illness.
and clearly there’s no issue with trying to prevent cancer by not smoking or drinking or using sunbeds - just like there’s no harm in trying to avoid bullying or sexual assault or violence to minimise your chances of getting depression or anxiety or whatever. but the truth is that most normal people feel like its not really any of their business to ask about the lives of cancer patients, hunting for clues that might reveal why they became stricken with the illness. they just accept that the patient is ill, and that its really horrible for them, and they wish them well. they think that even if the patient DID have a lifestyle which increased the likelihood of getting cancer, it doesnt matter now - they are ill, and they need to get better, and its that simple.
and this, generally, is just simply not the case for mental patients. we need to stop assuming that the lives of depressed, anxious and psychotic people necessarily involve trauma of some sort. SOME PEOPLE, WHO WERE PREVIOUSLY COMPLETELY HEALTHY FOR THEIR WHOLE LIFE, GET ILL.
am I being an idiot here? I really want to know what everyone thinks because probably I am being stupid and wrong.
ALSO: if the analogy with cancer here is offensive to anyone EVEN SLIGHTLY then tell me straight away and I will banish this entire post into the 8th circle of hell xxxxxxx
5:53 am • 8 August 2013 • 5 notes
so bored of being sad now like literally it has been so many years
9:09 am • 27 April 2013